Grief and loss come into everyone’s life and at different times. We cannot control how it comes, but we can control how we chose to deal with it and how to heal from it.
A feeling of grief can be caused by a number of reasons, such as death, divorce, a move, loss of friends, job or dreams; giving up an addiction, lifestyle or long held attitude; broken trust or major disappointment. Any issue can cause grief, depending on how the individual feels toward the loss.
To help someone begin the healing process, it is important to know that everyone grieves differently. The path in coming to terms with the reality of a loss, accepting the loss, adjusting the environment to the loss and moving forward with the loss, must be designed to the individual. Here are a few points to consider in grieving:
The following outlines different stages of grief with an often-associated response. Remember, each person’s reactions will be individual, unique and vary in duration and intensity.
Shock—Denial, acting out, and withdrawing
Depression—Fear of experiencing pain of the reality, aloneness, hopelessness, can’t go on
Guilt—Takes blame, thoughts of, “what if I had only…”
Anger—Rage, self-pity, acting out, drinking, cutting, destroying objects
Acceptance—Acceptance of loss and reality, sense of closure, willingness to rebuild and move on
At times, someone may get “stuck” in a particular stage of grief. When this happens, they are unable to move forward to acceptance.
Also, extreme grief may cause a chemical change in a person’s body that can lead to depression. You may need to consult a doctor or mental health professional to assist you.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, but many of things we have learned about dealing with grief are not helpful. Here are six most common and unhelpful myths about dealing with loss.
As special dates, holidays and anniversaries approach, a grieving person may find it difficult to cope and may experience renewed heartache. This is normal. The second year after the loss or death is typically the hardest. This is due to the fact that many of those supporting the bereaved remember the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries that first year, but in the second year they tend to forget and have moved on, while those grieving a deep loss have not. Mourners tend to feel forgotten and alone during this second year of experiencing a loss.
Helping children through the grieving process requires additional awareness. They too must work through the tasks of grief, but they must do so with greater limits on their level of understanding, less developed coping skills and with less control over their external world. Encourage them to ask questions and honor how they feel and help them recognize what it is they are grieving. It is especially important to keep the lines of communication open. Encourage them to keep memories alive with pictures, journaling, scrapbooking or creating a legacy activity in celebration of the deceased.
Lastly, don’t set expectations about what their journey through grief should look like. Mourners just need to own and honor their feelings and walk the journey in front of them.
When counseling someone who is grieving, your goal is not to make them feel better. It is simply to help them acknowledge the grief and feelings they have and are experiencing so they can move on. Let them feel. It’s ok to be sad. Remember, you can’t “fix” them or make them be happy. They will be sad and you will feel sad for them.
This is normal and part of the grief process.